At two and a half my daughter told me, "There's three things I don't like most; being in jail, dying and being dead." It's shocking to me how early death becomes a controversy for a young child. It is the most difficult mystery adults have to explain, probably because most of us don't understand it either. There are many books about all kinds of death that can serve as a starting point to help both child and adult.
Death announces itself to children in different ways. Many children first experience it through the death of a pet. For many more, the issue comes up when a grandparent dies. It is a delicate subject and merits careful presentation. It is one of the only area where I recommend using books situationally. For the young child (2-4), I would share books about death only if it has occurred in their lives and then only books specific to the situation. (i.e. when they are grieving over the loss of a pet, I would not read to them about a grandparent's death, though both books may be talking about the natural cycle of life.)
The life cycle of an animal is so much shorter than that of a human being's, it is probable that the first death to touch a child will be the death of an animal. This does not always have to be the death of a pet. One of the first books on the subject is Margaret Wise Brown's The Dead Bird. In it, a group of children find a dead bird. They view the physical elements of death, feel sadness, and decide to have a funeral and as adults do. A great deal of the book centers on their ceremony. This is the way they heal themselves and remember. The concentration on the funeral creates a very good vehicle to discuss a very difficult part of the dying process. The book is honest and simple in both the subject treatment and the children's reactions. Remy Charlip's illustrations, echo the simplicity and have a nice emotional tone. Ages 3- 6. (Harper and Row, $13.25, Dell, $2.50)
Probably the most well-known book about death is Judith Viorst's The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. When Barney, the cat, dies, the sensitive and creative parents, to aid their child's healing suggest he make a list of ten good things about Barney at their family funeral. The boy can only think of nine. These ten create a soft poem that may bring a lump to your throat as you read. Finally by the end, the child knows the tenth good thing and at the same time resolves the issue of where Barney has "gone". Viorst handles the emotional subject without being syrupy. The reader can feel the boy's pain, but also his recovery. Viorst deals with facts in a straight-forward, honest way. She suggests different views on death, but gives no direct answers about where Barney goes after death. She gives a sense of completion and by showing us one child who finds a comforting answer from his own experience. Erik Blegvad's illustrations tenderly show both the depth of feeling and the warmth of the family. Ages 4-8. (Atheneum,$12.95, $3.95)
In Jim's Dog Muffins by Miriam Cohen, Jim grieves for his dog Muffin who has been hit by a car. Jim's classmates try to take away his sorrow with laughter, warmth and advice. Jim responds by withdrawal and anger until his wise teacher tells the well-meaning friends, "Maybe Jim needs time to feel sad." At the end of the book, Jim is healed enough to share pizza, memories, and tears with a patient friend. For an observer or one involved in a grieving process, this book reassures about the necessity of allowing time for feeling and the natural curing process. Ages 3-6. (Dell,$12.95,$2.25)
The ever-soothing Fred Rogers is a perfect author to write to this subject as he does in When a Pet Dies. The book is filled with photographic portraits that deal succinctly and sensitively with death, offering great support and direction as well as racial representation. Ages 3-6. (Putnam, $12.95, $5.95)
In I'll Always Love You by Hans Wilhelm, the boy tells the story of Elfie- "the best dog in the whole world." This is a dog the boy has grown with. Elfie is loved by the whole family, but especially belongs to him. Upon the dog's death, the boy finds solace in knowing that every day he told his pet, "I'll always love you." The very nature of this statement transcends death. It is not only a message to assuage grief, but to remember and practice in life, both with pets and humans. Wilhelm's portraits of the relationship's growth and the boy's reactions to death mirror well the depths of human experience. Ages 3-8. (Crown, $10.95, $3.95)
In Denys Cazet's A Fish in His Pocket, Russell accidentally causes the death of a small fish. Though it has never been his pet, Russell is devastated by the death and grieves. Finally, Russell finds a way to make himself feel better. He makes a small boat which he christens "Take Care" and in a rather Viking farewell sends the fish back into the lake. So many children experience a sense of guilt around death and most often, as in Russell's case, with unreal cause. This book is applicable in many other situations where a child feels responsible for something that is not his/her fault. I ,for one, am very grateful that Mr. Cazet has given us images and words to provide a vehicle for discussion. Ages 4-8. (Orchard, $11.95)
The second kind of death a child is likely to experience is that of a grandparent or an older person in their life. There are many stories of young and old that reflect this theme. Perhaps the youngest book I've found with this theme is Anna Grossnickle Hines' Remember the Butterflies Pre-schoolers Holly and Glen discuss death with their grandfather in terms of the life cycle of a butterfly and how it leaves eggs behind and that way lives on. In this simple picture book, Ms. Hines quickly develops the childrens' love for their grandfather and his aging so that by the end we are prepared for both his death and their acceptance to life's recurrent nature. (Dutton, 1991) Newberry honor book Annie and the Old One tells the story of a young Navajo girl whose grandmother tells her that when the new rug is taken from the loom, she will "go to Mother Earth." Just like this loving, intimate Navajo family, author Miska Miles threads her story loom with the elements of the natural world and illustrator Peter Parnall creates a wonderful warp of accompaniment. Annie, unable to accept either the death of her beloved grandmother or her own maturation unthreads the rug until the Old One uses the wonder of the Earth to explain why time can not be held back. This sensitive story will undoubtedly bring tears in the telling and will always be remembered for the characters, world and wisdom it bestows on readers. Ages 5-8. (Little Brown,$13.95, $5.95)
Equally poignant is Aliki's The Two of Them. The book begins by telling of a grandfather's love for his newly-born grandchild- how he cares for her and makes her treasures, sings and tells her stories of his love for her. As she grows older, so does he and all the things he once did for her, she does for him... until he dies. Aliki's illustrations of the young girl's grief are painfully real and evocative. And yet, we are allowed to heal with her as she views the turns of nature in her grandfather's orchard---and remembers. Ages 4-8. (Greenwillow,12.95, $3.95)
Tomie de Paola's Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs is a story that is, for the most part, more about life than about death. In it, he describes two very vital grannies-- a ninety-four year old great-grandmother who lives upstairs and a grandmother who lives downstairs. Much of the story is about the very special love they share with their grandson, Tommy. Predictably, when Nana Upstairs dies, Tommy mourns. His healing begins even as he grieves. He sees a shooting star and his mother suggests it might be a kiss from Nana Upstairs. The image and the memory lives strongly in him until years later, after Nana Downstairs dies, he sees another shooting star and realizes both his grandmothers are now "Nana Upstairs." Ages 4-7. (Putnam,$11.95, $3.95 )
Memory figures strongly in Charlotte Zolotow's My Grandson Lew. It begins with six-year old Lewis waking in the night, missing his grandfather Lew. His grandfather died four years before and without his mother's knowledge, Lewis has loved, missed and remembered him. Zolotow's images are mighty, perhaps because they so well-represent those cloudy-clear pictures children carry with them forever. One of my favorite things about this book is the mutual comfort mother and son receive in remembering together. Ages 4-8. (Harper and Row, $3.95)
Grandpa Loved by Josephine Nobisso is told from the perspective of a grandson in whom the loving grandfather "planted love." We wander with the boy and his grandfather through life and are filled with the beautiful images the writer uses to express the man's passion for animals, humans and nature. Illustrator Maureen Hyde captures this love in rich scenes and vibrant colors. The grandfather's joys in life is so profound that when the boy imagines his joys in death being equally strong, the reader easily accepts this truth. Beautiful views of both life and death come easily from the author's creation of a very special character. Ages 3-8. (Green Tiger Press,$11.95) In a companion book, Grandma's Scrapbook, Nobisso describes the building of a relationship between grandmother and child, the measure of this by a scrapbook they keep, and the remembrances that come because of collected memories. Ages 3-8. (Green Tiger Press, 1990)
Puerto Rico is the setting for writer-illustrator Susan Roth's Another Christmas. The bright collages give voice to the sparkle of turquoise waters and counter the dark feelings of Ben who is grieving his grandfather's death. Ben and his grandmother love their traditions of snow and cold, but Ben's parents think this setting far from home will ease everyone's pain. Ben's grandmother leads him in a special healing process that begins with an appreciation of the difference and sameness of Puerto Rican and American celebrations . She ends the tour with a secret celebration, opening a suitcase stuffed with their important traditions. They sing carols, decorate a tree, eat gingerbread, and hug and cry in room that feels properly Christmasy-cold because of the air conditioning. The different traditions and the difference of Ben's missing grandfather come together as his grandmother tells him: "It's still Merry Christmas only a little different from the Christmas we know." This is a very healing book for a family who's remembering loss as well as joy during the holiday season. Ages 5-8. (Morrow, 1992)
An older person need not be a grandparent to have death affect a child. Children are slow to categorize and any adult who significantly touches a child's life will touch them in death. In Nancy White Carlstrom's Blow Me a Kiss, Miss Lily, the small heroine has a spirited and loving relationship with her neighbor Miss Lily and the cat, Snug. It is no surprise that the hearty relationship transcends death with the warmth the characters shared while living. Ages 3-7. (Macmillan, Spring release)
Death is not always filled with sadness. There is often times a strong sense of life as in Jane Resh Thomas' Saying Good-bye to Grandma. In this three-chapter book, seven year-old Suzie travels to her grandmother's funeral. The book is filled with sensitive descriptions of the formalities of funeral homes and burials, moving memories and feelings that give a sense of very real characters. These are balanced with a refreshing and honest representation of how life continues. As often happens, Grandmother's funeral occasions a family reunion and as we experience this through Suzie's eyes, we see the fun and delight of being together even in sad times. Ages 5-8. (Clarion, $13.95)
Sometimes, when a child is feeling the sadness of death, it helps to present a human story in animal context. This distancing is only one of the strengths of Susan Varley's Badger's Parting Gifts. Another is the way we experience death from the point of view of the dying by being with Badger as he goes down "the long tunnel". Elderly Badger is more afraid of his friend's sadness than his own death and they miss him sorely. Finally, they transform their grief by seeing how Badger lives in the "parting gifts" he has left them and they will leave to others in return. Varley has given readers a very special gift in her presentation of how one lives forever in those left behind. Ages 5-8. (Lothrop,$13.00)
In the short novel Blackberries in the Dark by Mavis Jukes, Austin follows his tradition of his yearly summer vacation at his grandparent's farm. Only his grandfather, who's always fished and farmed and loved Austin, is dead. Austin and his grandmother share old memories, treasures, photos and create new traditions and new bonds together. Jukes' tale is a rounded view of real characters who laugh as well as mourn when comforting each other through a difficult transition. Ages 5-9. (Knopf,$11.95; Dell, $2.50)
The varying ways death comes is tied together in Norma Simon's The Saddest Time. In short vignettes with expressive feeling tones, Ms. Simon tells of the death of a loved grandparent as well as two untimely deaths--one because of illness and the other because of accident. Ages 4-7. (Whitman,$10.50)
Probably the hardest deaths to explain are a young or unnatural death. Tejima shows us that this is even difficult in the animal world. In Tejima's Swan Sky, we see a swan family whose young daughter is not well enough to fly north with them. Like a human family, they lament her dying and yet they have an acceptance that this is a part of the natural order of life. Woodcuts predominated by blue and black add to the pathos of the story. (Philomel, $13.95)
Though it is difficult for Sue Alexander's heroine, Nadia, the Willful to lose her brother, almost more painful is her father's edict that his son's name shall never again be mentioned. The whole Bedouin tribe is consumed with sadness until Nadia begins to bring her brother back to life through memories. Finally even her father sees the truth of Nadia's words and even changes Nadia's name to Nadia, the Wise. Again, this is a story that may bring a lump to your throat , not only because of subject sensitivity, but because Sue Alexander has given us real characters with very real emotions. A secondary gift we are given is Ms. Alexander's view of a rarely portrayed culture. Lloyd Bloom's illustrations are a feeling accompaniement to an already stunning story. Ages 5-8. (Pantheon, $12.95)
One of the saddest books I've ever read about friendship is Goodbye Rune by Marit Kaldhol, but I am so glad this book exists, for the situation certainly does! Sara and Rune have been dearest friends since they can remember. Though they're quite young they imagine marrying when they grow up. One day, when they're at play near a lake, Rune drowns. There follows a steady stream of realistic questions from Sara as she attends the funeral service, burial, and finally Sara begins to heal a bit. This is an incredibly intense book, as well you can imagine from the subject. It's all handled with great perception and warmth. The watercolor illustrations are a special soft extension of the story. Again, I would pre-read this book before sharing it with children. Ages 5-8. (Kane Miller, $12.95)
Perhaps the most difficult death to deal with is the death of a parent. In Everett Anderson's Goodbye by Lucille Clifton, we see the child in five small vignettes representing the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance of death. Though the number of word are small, the emotions are not and this creates a mighty vehicle to aid a parent in discussing a bereaved child's feelings. Ann Grifalconi's illustrations reflect and extend the intensity of the words. This is a book I would share with a child only who has suffered this particular loss as I think it is a emotionally threatening subject for children. Parental death does occur and this is one of the most valuable books written to give answer to the issue. Ages 4-8. (Henry Holt,$9.95, $3.95)
In Cresecent Dragonwagon's Winter Holding Spring we see a father and a daughter comforting each other in the year after the child's mother has died. Sarah's father shows her how one season holds promise of another, blending the seasons into a year and by the end of the book Sarah can see the promise of her mother connects the past and future in herself. One of the strongest elements of the story is healing of the father-daughter relationship. The father is warm, compassionate, verbal, complimentary, listening, nurturing, supportive and treasures the relationship with Sarah as she does with him. It is easy to see why their love heals them. The memories of the mother are so poignant that her love is also very present in the book. (Macmillan, 1990)
Melissa Madenski writes Some of the Pieces for children who have lost their father. In the story a young boy and his mother remember his father as they carry his ashes to all the places that he loved--mountain, ocean, river and garden. It's been a year since his father's sudden death and now the boy can remember his smile, games of wrestling, tender nicknames, story telling without the icy feeling or the cloudburst of anger he felt for so long. As they scatter the pieces of his father, the boy says, "it's like when Dad died, he split into a thousand pieces so he could be with all the people he loved. And I'm glad some of the piecs are with me." There are soft, gentle illustrations by Deborah Kogan Ray. (Little Brown, 1991; ages 6 and up)
In Eve Bunting's The Day Before Christmas, Grandpa and Allie go on a special excursion to see The Nutcracker. Allie says goodbye to her step-mother and father who warns her that "Grandpa may be a little sad today. He'll be remembering>" What he's remembering was the first time he took Allie's mother to The Nutcracker, but enveloped in the magic of the paly, Allie's Grandpa is not sad because he thinks "A loving memory is happy, not sad" and he's grateful to be starting new memories with his granddaughter. Ages 5-10 (Clarion, 1992)
For older children suffering the same loss, Jill Krementz has compiled a very special photo essay book called How it feels when a Parent Dies. This book is a collection of essays by children about their parent's deaths. The book gives a broad range not only in age, but in feelings, coping mechanisms and different ways families have dealt with the issues. Ages 9 and up. (Knopf, $7.95, $12.95) Krementz has also written another photographic essay book about death. In How It Feels To Fight For Your Life, twelve terribly ill children from seven to sixteen share their feelings about life and death. Ages 9 and up. (Little Brown, $15.95)
When adults are trying to come to grips with the horrors of AIDS, it seems nearly impossible to explain to children. MaryKate Jordan has done so gracefully and tenderly in Losing Uncle Tim. The author fills her story with the realness of the person and the relationship, defeats common fears and gives us also a lovely thought about Tim's death, "maybe Uncle Tim is like the sun, just shining somewhere else." Ages 5-8. (Whitman, $11.95)
There are several children's books that deal with death in a more theoretical way, offering visions of afterlife or just generally trying to explain death itself. Some are storybooks, others have a less fictional approach. Many of these books create a good opportunity to field general questions a child has about death.
The non-fiction book Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen offers an excellent explanation about death as part of the natural process of life. Though this book touches briefly on untimely death, its major focus is in explaining how all species have a lifetime-"beginnings, endings, and living in between." The text is straight-forward and has rhythmic repetitive choruses that make the book approachable for a young child. Illustrations echo the text by presenting a realistic no-nonsense view of the natural world. Ages 3-6. (Bantam, $7.95)
Joanne E. Bernstein and Stephen Gullo give a very complete description of death in When People Die. Their book seems to answer most of the questions children wonder about. They also discuss death as a part of living and go on to explain aging, illness, and other kinds of dying. This is a calming book--reassuring children about the absence of pain in death, the rightness of a spectrum of feelings at the time of death and the gradual healing. They offer a variety of beliefs about burial and afterlife. A well-balanced informative presentation of the subject. Ages 4-8. (Dutton,out of print, but available in many libraries)
Sarah Bonnett Stein has a series of books for parent and child to share together. Photographs are accompanied with a dual leveled text---a simple concise statement for the child and a longer explanation of concepts for the parent. In this way her books become a departure for more involved discussion by parents. In About Dying, she shows us death of a bird and grandparent through Eric's eyes. The author presents both feelings and events very much from the child's perspective. Dramatic black and white photographs accompany the text. Ages 3-6. (Walker and Company, $7.95)
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, internationally known for her pioneering work on death and dying has written a book for children entitled Remembering the Secret. Suzy and Peter are two young friends who have two other friends, Theresa and Willy. Theresa and Willy are rather like spirit guides who share with the two mortal children the splendor of afterlife. This is a great comfort to the children for Suzy has recently lost her father and Peter dies before the end of the book. Kubler-Ross seems to have written this story as a vehicle to extend her philosophies to children. Lovely visions they are and unlike many other stories about death for children, because of their dominant emphasis on the spiritual. Ages 6-10. (Celestial Arts,$8.95)
Leo Buscaglia theorizes about death in his The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. In natural photographs, he tells the story of the life cycle of a leaf. The leaf is full of all the joys and fears a human has upon facing death. It is Freddie's friend Daniel who supports him, describes the natural way of the cycle of life and the joys of having being part of life. Ages 4-8. (Holt, $7.95)
Paul Goble offers a Native American view of death in his Beyond the Ridge. Using his broad knowledge of the Plains Indian culture and some of their prayers, Goble tells the story of an old woman who follows the voice of her mother beyond the ridge to a land of great beauty. Artfully interrupting his text with a Plains prayer, Goble switches to the viewpoint of those left behind to reveal their belief system. He closes beautifully with quotations and more prayers such as: "Death? There is no death; only a change of worlds." The exquisite illustrations add to the rich beauty of Paul Goble's words. (Bradbury, $13.95)
In The Mountains of Tibet, Mordicai Gerstein tells the story of a boy who loves to fly kites in the mountains of his small village and dreams of all the travels he will one day have. When he grows old and dies without ever leaving his valley, he is challenged with making choices of another life. This very special book presents a wonderful view of re-incarnation and at the same time has much to say about the beauty of the diversity of life and how man limits himself by his choices. Gerstein's illustrations strengthen his word pictures to make difficult concepts come alive. (Harper and Row, $12.95, $4.95)
When children approaches five, they may very well become curious about death. It may also, as in the case of my daughter, happen earlier. I have not read books about death with my daughter. We have talked a bit, but she cries even when a character is lost in a book. Being sensitive to this, I know she is not ready to directly deal with the issue. You will know when your child is maturationally ready and then I believe it is a good time to armour them in book knowledge so that they can draw on this comfort when they have a true experiences. Generalized books such as Lifetimes or a softer book like The Tenth Good Thing About Barney are good books to begin with.
Last year two friends lost a son. Soon after I discovered Through the Mickle Woods written by Valiska Gregory. It tells the story of a king who mourns the death of his beloved queen. Grieving separates him from life until a small child, who also mourns this kind woman, shows him how vibrant life can be. A letter from his dead wife persuades the unwilling king to journey into a thick woods to the den of a story-telling bear. To a child, the meaning of the three stories might be disconnected and confusing. They speak clearly to an adult heart that has known loneliness, disappointment, and confusion. An adult needs only a gentle reminder to remember how healing comes from daring to care and live and love again. Gregory's prose is adult eloquent and succinct. The author is not timid about using powerful images or feelings, but messages are to be gleaned. The illustrations by Barry Moser show the darkness of a mourning heart and the brightness brought by reaching out. Both of these moods are framed by a snowy wood that lends a quiet tone of thoughtfulness. (Little Brown, $15.95)
Every now and again comes a children's book that shifts my understanding forever. I Will Sing Life: Voices from the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp by Larry Berger, Dahlia Lithwick and Seven Campers is just such a book. I can't stop telling people about this book and their response measures my awareness shift. They find the idea of a collection written by very ill young people disturbing and depressing. And yet it is the very opposite. Both poetry and non-fiction are a huge range of joyful, playful, authentic, self-aware, powerful, wise and above all real. The poignancy of the writing is stunning in both power of words and ideas behind them. Photographs by Robert Benson are a telling accompaniment that sometimes shock, always open eyes and hearts. The two co-authors began introducing creative writing at the Hole in the Wall Gang camp in 1988 and within the structure of fun, safety, and freedom of camp, campers discovered they could "stop explaining their illnesses and start exploring the rest of their lives." And my true discovery from this book is just that--that we (who are disabled by needing explanation or pity) have stopped these kids in a more horrific way than even their physical limitations. Ages 9- adult (Little Brown, 1992)