Sexuality is one of the most difficult subjects parents have to communicate about with their children. It's an incredible jumble of feelings. As a parent you remember the way you wish you'd been told and you have to deal with any discomforts you have in approaching the subject as you try to pay close attention to how your child wants to receive the information. Fortunately there is a wealth of new books to help you. They provide structures to answer questions, vehicles to begin discussions, and encouragement for new conversations.
If you haven't looked at books on sexuality lately, probably the most profound change you'll notice is the honest directness. Some parents will be pleased with this depth of information and others will be surprised by the candor. I recommend parents satisfy their own need for comfort by prereading all books before sharing them with their children.
Happily, more and more books are written for specific developmental stages. There's a lot of difference between information you want to give a four year old and a fourteen year old! I have suggested age ranges after recommended books, but since children grow up so differently the best way to satisfy your child's wondering is by staying mindful of the questions being asked and then matching the demands for information with the books that fit them. Books for young children wisely begin with general observations so that the more complicated concepts don't upset or confuse them. Books become more specific and detailed as children mature. To provide a framework, I have separated reviews into developmental phases, beginning with books for the youngest fact seeker.
Usually the first discussions about sexuality involve reproduction, many times these are initiated when a new sibling arrives. Angela Royston's Where do babies come from? (Dorling Kindersley, $9.95; ages 3-7) reveals the miracle of growth and birth through a combination of simple explanations, bright photographs, and clear drawings. Discussion moves from the very general ("Babies come from eggs"), then explains fertilization in terms of flowers, ducklings, kittens, and finally human beings.
Mick Manning's The World Is Full of Babies! How All sorts of Babies Grow and Develop (Doubleday, $14.95; ages 3-7) presents information about conception and early growing. One of the reasons I'm drawn to this book is that the reproductive element is treated as only one stage of growth in the journey from gestation to exploring the world. Information serves a whole range of ages, neither overwhelming younger children, nor boring those who are older. For example, we see how babies are diapered and bathed in a way that toddlers will understand and then there's a bit more information to hold the interest of a slightly older learner; "if you were a kingfisher baby you'd sit happily in a stinking mess of rotten fish bones and droppings!" The illustrations are as playful as the text.
There are a number of other tired and true books to offer explanation at this developmental level. Joanna Cole's My Puppy is Born (Mulberry, $4.95; ages 4-7) sees birth through the eyes of a child who is excited about her new puppy-to-be and Cole's companion book, How You Were Born (Mulberry, $4.95; ages 4-7) is a good blend of warm photos and clear diagrams.
The miracles from conception to birth are well shown with amazing photographs in Geraldine Lux Flanagan's new book Beginning Life (Dorling Kindersley, $19.95). Though the text is more for older readers, photos are useful for a younger child. They amazingly document events, even showing a mother's egg magnified 2000 times with sperm gathered on it Sheila Kitzinger's Being Born (Putnam, $11.95; ages 4-8), a less recent title that's more directed to a younger child. It is a stunning book with dramatic Lennart Nilsson photographs that show the baby developing in utero.
Wondering about differences between the sexes is usually the next phase of sexual curiosity. I've still not found a book for very young children that works as well as Kathy Stinson's The Bare-naked Book (Firefly Press, $4.95; ages 2-5) It describes every bit of human anatomy with humor, rhyme and rhythm. Vaginas are given just as much emphasis as elbows in this straight-forward book and the drawings show people of all races and ages with lots of amusing details.
Two proven books from Prometheus Books deal with the difference between the sexes. Dr. Sol Gordon's Girls are Girls and Boys are Boys: So What's the Difference ($9.95; ages 6-10) begins with stereotypes. Biological differences are sensitively pointed out with soft black and white illustrations, . At the end of the book there are brief explanations of mensuration, wet dreams, and masturbation. If you're uncomfortable with discussing those topics at an early age, there's also Mark Schoen's Bellybuttons Are Navels (Prometheus, $12.95; ages 4-7) The book shows two siblings moving down their bodies comparing everything from arms to legs with precise body nomenclature.
Around the age of eight, children want more specifics and the need for even more detail increases as children move closer to adolescence. Generally, first questions center around body changes.
There's no more playful point of departure than Mayle and Robins' "What's Happening To Me?" (Carol Publishing Group, $6.95; ages 7-11) which has been successful for so many parents, it's become a classic. The book answers questions about puberty and tells the facts with honesty, compassion and quipping.
At nine, my daughter began to wonder about having her period. Karen Gravelle's The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want to Ask But Need to Know (Walker and Co. $8.95; ages 8-11) was our perfect solution. She and I read this book cover to cover and almost every page helped her ask a question. We had a wonderful conversation about how all women were connected because any woman, anywhere ,anytime, would be happy to lend you supplies if you suddenly got your period and had nothing with you. The book has great suggestions to prepare young girls and every issue is thoughtfully presented. One of the best things the books prompted us to do was to take a field trip to our bathroom to discover useful items.
Lynda Madaras, a sexeducator in schools for many years, was encouraged to write her books because of her blossoming daughter and anonymous queries she got from a locked question box in her classroom. Proof of her knowledge and experience are reflected in the fact that in the decade since first publication, her two resource novel-length books, What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls and What's Happening to My Body Book for Boys have sold over 300,000 copies. Her telling is direct, easy to read, and relate to. Her books are a family resource where parents or children can get help untangling the complicated feelings of adolescence.
To further understanding she and her daughter Area wrote two more shorter, interactive books, My Body, My Self and My Feelings, My Self, both filled with playful quizzes and checklists and lots of information. The first is more physically-oriented, covering everything from "b.o. & zits" to bras development. Madaras recently published another great resource: My Body My Self for Boys which uses similar quizzes checklists and games to cover everything from from penis size to coping with erections (all books are from New Market Press, $11.95)
One of the things I like best about he Madaras books is that she understands the subtle differences of growing up. There are nuances as children slip through the stages of preadolescence into adolescence. Concerns about self quietly become concerns about self in relation to others. Madaras' My Feelings, My Self is geared to slightly older girls as it deals with issues like peer pressure and boy-girl relationships.
Another new book written by a woman with an obvious talent for understanding young adults is It's a Girl Thing: How to Stay Healthy, Safe, and In Charge (Knopf, $12.00; 10-13) by Mavis Jukes. For years, Jukes has been a powerful contributor to children's books, but this, her first non-fiction, is just as on-target in clarity and appeal. Like the second Madaras book, she focuses on young girls' who are making relationships in the world. Sharing much about her own coming of age, Jukes tells about everything from her first bras to first kisses. The tone is factual, but playful.
Paulette Burgeoise and Martin Wolfish, MD collaborated on two books that combine these two adolescent stages and their book comes in two versions; Changes in You and Me: A Book About Puberty Mostly for Boys and Changes in You and Me: A Book About Puberty Mostly for Girls (both from Somerville House Books, $14.95). These books will please a visual child as there are lots of cartoons which also serve to give discussions a light touch. The books cover body changes and then moves into psychological issues like the difference between crushes and love.
As children grow up, they become the decision makers and most become more private as well. It helps to have books on hand that either of you can consult.
Ellen Rosenberg's Growing UP Feeling Good (Puffin, $13.99) has recently been revised and expanded. It's a huge resource for teenagers compiled by Rosenberg who spoke with specialists, parents, and teenagers across America. Her stories and information are wide in scope and clear in meaning and they cover everything from masturbation to peer pressure to death.
Kathy McCoy, Ph. D. and Charles Wibblesman, M.C. have both been columnists for teen magazines and their The New Teenage Body Book (Perigree, $14.95; ages 11 and up) gives answers to hundreds of questions that teenagers worry about. This book disturbed me to realize how worried teens are about the changes they go through. It comforted me, however, to know they now have candid, informed, respectful resource for questions about body, relationship, feelings, and knowing how to get the help they need.
(slightly different take, a few more resources)
We live in a time when sexual adventuring can be life threatening, children are maturing earlier, and most schools don't want to touch the issue! Susan Wilson, in February's The National Coalition Against Censorship, writes that teachers in "one major North Carolina city" are forbidden to say 'birth control', 'condom' and 'contraception' below grade 8, " for fear "the words themselves will encourage students to have sexual intercourse or become homosexual. "
Two months later, The Herald-Sun released the report of an exhaustive study by Marcia Herman-Giddens, a UNC researcher, showing " average American girls begin displaying signs of puberty-body hair and breasts-between the ages of 8 and 10."
Where does this leave our children? Fortunately, with lots of options if their parents are savvy. In recent years there have been a slew of books to help parents educate. Given the directness of most, I recommend parents satisfy their own need for comfort by prereading all booksMore and more books are written for specific developmental stages. There's a lot of difference between information you want to impart to a four year old and a fourteen year old! Here are some new books, beginning with those for the youngest fact seeker.
As children grow up, they become the decision makers and most become more private as well. It helps to have books on hand that either of you can consult.
Tara Roberts, Lifestyle editor for Essence magazine, publishes Am I the Last Virgin? Ten African American Reflections on Sex and Love (Simon and Schuster, $15.00; ages 12 and up) Ms. Roberts introduces the book with scary statistics from the Children's Defense Fund. "Every 65 seconds a black teenager becomes sexually active; every 104 seconds a black teenage girl becomes pregnant; every 20 hours a black child or Young adult under age 25 dies from causes related to HIV. " Ms. Roberts sets the tone for this sometimes shockingly honest collection with the title essay. She's a woman in touch with her own sexuality and needs and wants to save her virginity "for a dream lover who can match her imagination and... knows that sex is more than just a pounding on the pelvis." Her stunning essay is followed by others by women who have suffered early rape, AIDS, and sexual abuse. Women write about claiming their own sexuality, coming to terms with the changing relationships with a mother, linking into a circle of women and escaping a destructive celebrity relationship. The poetries, passions, and bare truths provide a moving emphasis and there are also twenty-pages of supportive resource addresses and phone numbers.
Anyone who's worked in schools knows that it takes forever to create change in education. We can educate at home, but we also need to advocate for better sexuality education in our schools. There are incredible resources available, for example, the award-winning recent movie, "It's Elementary: Talking about Gay Issues in School" by Debra Chasnoff & Helen Cohen (Women's Educational Media, rental/purchase prices vary, call 201-652-6590 or fax 201-652--1973 or email tmcndy@aol.com). Because of their own discomfort or parental pressures many educators are frightened of gay/lesbian issues. A film selling this issue has got to be great. It's Elementary is! The film goes into six elementary and six middle schools all over the country. Obvious care was given to choose urban and rural, public and private schools; focusing on teachers and students working to understand and combat stereotyping. At its heart the movie is about respect for differences. After all schools devote an entire month to African- American studies, why the gender prejudice? If you have had questions about introducing the subject in early grades, or handling the subject's more sensitive sides, you will be convinced by the power and the need to get this movie into the hand of educators! It models types of discussion, specific ways of framing discussion, and describes the problem with gender bias in ways that will most definitely make for change.
As my pre-adolescent son rapidly approaches puberty and my seven year old daughter's questions become more specific, I realized it was time to renew sexual resources for myself so I could better inform them. The week that I made this decision, four people called me to ask what books I could recommend for their kids.
Sexuality has to be one of the most loaded topics in parenting. It's a real juggle of feelings. You're remembering the way you wish you'd been told. You're dealing with your own discomforts about discussion and you're paying attention to how your child wants to hear. All at the same time! I believe parents have to satify their own comfort levels before they can communicate information, so on many of the reviews I note potential discomfort zones. I suggest all books be pre-read before sharing.
If you haven't looked at books for kids on sexuality lately (like since you were a kid), probably the most profound change you'll notice is the honest directness. Some parents who will wish this depth of information had been available to them growing up and others who will be overwhelmed by the candor. One of the most reassuring things I've learned from my children is that he was not upset or confused by concepts that were developementally above him, he just let the facts fly by him.
Probably the first discussions about sexuality involve conception, many times led by the arrival of a sibling. Reproduction is probably the easiest sexuality discussion you'll ever have. Still, many parents want to tread lightly and there are several soft presentations for the very young. Dr. Patricia Pearse's See How You Grow, a lift the flap book that talks about and shows how a baby grows inside its mother. (Barron's, $13.95; ages 4-7)
Joanna Cole's My Puppy is Born 4-8. (Mulberry, $4.95 ages 4-7)has a young viewpoint character who is very involved in the excitement of her new puppy-to-be. While photographs show embryonic sacs, the first moments of birth, umbilical cords and nursing, the canine world removes the experience one step away. Cole's companion book, How You Were Born (Mulberry, $4.95; ages 4-7) is simple, straight-forward, and a good blend of warm photos and clear diagrams.
Sheila Kitzinger's Being Born (Putnam, $11.95; ages 4-8) is a stunning book with dramatic Lennart Nilsson photographs that show the baby developing in utero which can help make the growth real to a waiting sibling.
Dr. Sol and Judith Gordon explain how children come into the world in the framework of family beginnings in Did the sun shine before you were born? (Prometheus, $8.95 ; ages 4-7) Older children who have understanding of the basic facts will enjoy the humorous presentation of Peter Mayle and Arthur Robins' "Where Did I Come From?" (Carol Publishing, $8.95; ages 6-10) which is filled with images kids can relate to, funny writing, and comic illustrations. (One discomfort zone might be the unnamed, briefly described explanation of orgasm)
Humor pro Babette Cole has kids straightening out their parents' understanding of the facts of life in Mommy Laid An Egg (Chronicle, $13.95; ages 6-10) (One discomfort zone might be the child-like drawings of wild lovemaking)
Wondering about differences between the sexes is probably the next phase of sexual curiosity. Dr. Sol Gordon's Girls are Girls and Boys are Boys: So What's the Difference? (Prometheus Books, $9.95; ages 6-10) begins by refuting stereotypes. With soft black and white illustations, biological differences are sensitively pointed out. (One discomfort zone might be the explantions of menstration, wet dreams, and masturbation are discussed.)
Parents who want kids to know precise body nomenclature will appreciate Mark Schoen's Bellybuttons Are Navels (Prometheus, $12.95; ages 4-7). The book shows two siblings moving down their bodies comparing everything from arms down to legs. (A possible discomfort zone might be that the author properly names everything!
Around the age of eight, your child will want more specifics than the sexual basics you've given before, most of the time pre-adolescents want to know about body changes. It makes sense to understand self before discussing issues about relationship.
Parents might want to start with a playful beginning. That might be with the humor of Mayle and Robins' "What's Happening To Me?"(Carol Publishing, $6.95; ages 7-11) 0-8184-0312-8 which answers questions about puberty and tells the facts with honesty, compassion, and quipping.
A Kid's First Book About Sex (Yes Press, $7.50; Ages 7-12) by Joani Blank is the youngest direct book I've read for children about developing sexuality. Ms. Blank does not fool around. One of my complaints in my own sexual education (I think most everyone has some complaint) was that sex and baby-making were not differentiated. Joani Blank explains sexuality in and of itself. With direct text, the book asks kids how they feel about their bodies and their sexual feelings and then offers explanations and guidelines to comfort. Depending on your child's age, you may want to edit some parts. For example, I did not share the bit about homosexuality and bisexuality with my seven year old. The bits about masturbation are particularly well-handled. You may have discomfort about sharing bits about homosexuality and bisexuality if your child is on the young side.
Blank has an accompaning (equally well-handled) workbook with much of the same information titled, The playbook for kids about sex (Yes Press, $5.00). This gives a hands-on approach to wondering children. We first discovered this book when my son was seven and he loved it. Guess which book my now seven year old daughter begged for in the books that arrived for review?
Carole Marsh has written a whole series of "Sex Stuff" books for kids, taking special care to launch a many pronged approach to teaching sexuality. For home use, there's a philosophical and practical User's Guide (Gallopade, $14.95; adult) for parents and teachers to better understand goals and approaches. She presents facts, in a voice kids will relate to, in A Book of Practical Information & Ideas for Kids 7-17. She even has the hands-on A Reproducible Workbook, where kids can record and understand their own thoughts about sexuality; this is a book no sex educator should be without. The presentation of these books isn't fancy, there are graphics rather than pictures. Perhaps this is because Marsh's energy has gone into thoughtful framing of ideas rather than presentation. (all books from Gallopade, $14.95; for adults and kids 7-17)
Joanna Cole answers questions that kids beginning to wonder will be Asking About Sex (Beechtree, $4.95; ages 7-11) The book answers everything from memstruation and masturbation to the first feelings of a crush with sensitivity, compassion, and respect for a very confusing times of change.
Learning About Sex by Aho and Petras is a simple presentation. The line drawings are more plentiful than the words and the two sex educators have a very good mix of straightforward explanations and the feeling levels of sexuality. The book covers masturbation, contraception and sex offenders. (Holt, $7.95; ages 7-11)
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, one of the most respected experts in the field, writes a book for eight to twelve year olds titled Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids: Where You Came From, How Your Body Changes, and What Sex is All About (Macmillan, $12.95) She was inspired to write because of many parents' discomfort at speaking to issues kids want to know about. Dr. Ruth is careful to state personal privacy boundaries and yet discusses everything without embarassment. As well as physiological issues, she is careful to discuss the emotional side of changes in an equally clear way.
Between the ages of seven and eleven, parents may want to focus on individual issues of sexuality. Period was written by Gardner-Loulan, Lopez and Quackenbush. The book compares budding womanhood with nature's beauty, gives clear explanations of physiological happenings, is loaded with sensible advice on everything from cramps to gyncological visits, laced carefully answered questions and differeing personal perspectives and loaded with playful pictures. (Volcano Press, $9.95; ages 8-12)
Parents who want to talk about good and bad touching will find two resources new in paperback, Linda Walvoord Girad's My Body is Private (Whitman, $4.95) and Oralee Wachter's book of short stories for adults and children to share, No More Secrets for Me (Little Brown, $6.95)
When reviewing books for older range readers (10 to teen),I noticed an important similarity. Most of the books were driven by the things that kids wanted to know...all those questions my friends and I didn't ask when I was growing up.
Lynda Madaras, a sexeducator in schools for many years, was inspired by her blossoming daughter and an abundance of questions she had for herself and she heard from kids. Much of her information is based on anonymous questions from a locked question box. In the decade since first publication, her books What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls and What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys (both from Newmarket Press, $9.95) have sold over 300,000 copies. It's evident to me that Madaras knows kids from all vantage points and she writes for them. Her tellings are direct, easy to read and relate to. It's also a family resource where parents can go to help untangle the complicated feelings of adolescents. To further understanding she and her daughter Area have added now written two books, My Body, My Self and My Feelings, My Self (both from New Market, $9.95) Both books full of advice framed in playful quizzes and checklists that cover everything from "b.o. & zits : is puberty the pits?" to peer pressure and popularity. My hope is that they'll do the same workbooks for boys.
Niels Lauersen, M.D. and Ph.D., writes You're in Charge: A Teenage Girl's Guide to Sex and Her Body (Fawcett, $8.50). There is an incredible thoroughness in explaining the biological functionings that govern a woman's being and this understanding make for an excellent base for understanding and choices based in knowledge. Lauersen write with a helpful specificity and also uses questions to serve as the frame for his book.
Kathy McCoy, Ph.D. and Charles Wibbelsman, M.D. have both been columnist for teen magazines and The New Teenage Body Book (Perigree, $14.95; ages 11 and up) gives answers to hundred of questios that teenagers worry about. The book disturbed and comforted me. It disturbed me to realize how worried teens are about the changes they go through. It comforted me to know they now have a candid, informed, respectful resource for questions about body, relationship, feelings, and knowing how to get they help they need.
One can't write about sexuality without discussing AIDS and the greatest writing spokesman on the subject is Earvin Magic Johnson in his book, What You Can Do to Avoid AIDS (Random House, $3.99). It's not just Johnson's star status that makes this an important book, though that alone makes kids want to listen. Johnson educates like he plays basketball, as a member of an important team fighting to win the battle win. His current battle is to dispell myths and erase discrimination based on ignorance. Johnson faces with the courage to be explicit in order to make change. The book includes twenty-five pages of resources.
Growing and Changing: A Handbook for Preteens is written by Kathy McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman, MD who are both columnists for teenage magazines. Again it is written in a question-answer format and talks about problems in puberty, caring for your changing body, how to talk to your parents and other topics. It is packed with useful concrete simply-explained information. Ages 10 and up. (Perigee, 1986)