When I was growing up, my family never talked about love. I fantasized about it a lot though. In adolescence, I dreamed about the typical knight in shining armour who would one day bring me pink satin-covered candy boxes, sentimental cards with cupids in the margins and daily bouquets of long-stemmed red roses. In February, I sometimes become a child again, but the rest of the year I wish for intimacy. Sometimes intimacy feels as vague as my young romantic notions about love. Intimacy is love grown up. It's something no one really understands, but everyone wants. I wonder if I'd understood love better as a child, maybe I'd understand intimacy better as an adult. So, while the rest of the world chocolate-coats Valentine's Day, I see it as a time to talk to my children about real instead of romantic love, preparing them for one of life's most confusing emotions. Instead of chocolates and roses, I offer you some children's books that you can use as openings to talk about the truer side of loving with your kids.
Ann Morris' Loving shows family intimacy around the world. Through simple text, Morris defines all aspects of love that children receive from parents, siblings and friends. Comfort, physical closeness,teaching, and nurturing are all described in words and through the colorful photographs by Ken Heyman that picture children from nine different countries from the Kenya to Japan. One of the amazing things never stated, but shown just because of the book's existence, is the universality of different expressions of love. Ages 2-6. (Lothrop, $13.95)
Confusions about love can begin with first friendship. Ms. Slaughter's A Cozy Place is more than a warm snugly book, for the secure settings become the backdrop for a story of early friendship. Roberta is the young protagonist's best friend. They have built forts of every type imaginable and have filled these child havens with drawing, reading, food and fun. The girls argue over the best cozy place, part company and our young heroine finds that no place feels cozy. When Roberta reappears with goodies for an all new fort, both girls discover that it's friendship, not location that brings them happiness. Illustrator Susan Torrence is masterful at setting the environment. Her pictures, filled with details that make for warmth, will charm you back to your secret places and help you initiate this fun in your child's life. Ms. Torrence brings the relationship of the girls alive as well. With soft watercolors and recognizable images she captures a special time of childhood where one felt deeply the magic of cozy and the uneasiness when it was missing. Ages 3-5. (Red Hen Press, $15.95)
Fans of Laura Numeroff's If You Give a Mouse A Cookie (HarperCollins, )will be happy to greet the sequel, If You Give a Moose a Muffin (HarperCollins, $12.95) which is also illustrated by Felicia Bond. Friendship many times means learning to care for someone; taking responsibilities for their needs and wants. In If You Give a Moose a Muffin, this time the small boy is caretaker for a big demanding moose. Like its prequel, this book will be appreciated by all ages. A two year-old loves the rhyme and rhythm, a four year old prizes the situational humor, a six year old delights in the circular event-sequencing and parents who have "moose" of their own treasure a book that shows a parent's role expressed for children. I think one of the most difficult parental jobs is teaching children that actions have consequences, If You Give a Moose a Muffin is a great vehicle to painlessly explain this concept. (HarperCollins, $12.95)
Liz Rosenberg's The Scrap Doll tells of a small girl who creates an object of love through acts of love. Like most young girls, Lydia dreams of a beautiful store-bought doll. But there isn't money for one in her family and her mother hands down her rag doll, Sarah. Lydia's disappointment is so overwhelming she calls the doll "Ugly Old Thing". But gradually she begins to care for the doll, painting on eyes, making clothes, taking her out of a storage box and into her bed, and finally carrying her around for companionship. By the end of the story, Lydia calls the doll Sarah and has learned that even an unlovable object can become loved. Ages 4-8. (HarperCollins, A Charlotte Zolotow Book, $13.95)
Once again Patricia MacLachlan's spare prose and vivid images have turned a novel that is small in size into one that is large in importance. Journey is title and name of an eleven year old hero who suffers because of his mother's recent departure. Photography is both the action and the idiom MacLachlan uses to show vignettes that mark Journey's travel from anger and loneliness at being deserted to understanding that he is still surrounded by a strongly loving family. We have, for years, needed books that show non-traditional families. How fortunate that the portrayal of love in this intergenerational family answers the vital need with a vitality all its own. Ages 8- adult. (Delacorte, $13.50)
Sex Education is the story of Livvie, a young girl who moves to a new town and is immediately attracted to a boy in her Sex Education class. The class is a wonderful setting for the book which has much to say about loving oneself and others. Livvie and David unite in a project of caring about someone, chosing a sickly pregnant woman who has moved to their neighborhood and is controlled by an abusive husband. It takes time and caring to know just how abusive the man is. This is a powerful, sensitive book that demands a tearful price of reading. Ages 12 to adult. (Orchard,$13.95; Bantam, $2.95)
Eileen Spinelli's picture book Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch represents a complex view of love. When the book begins, the grey tones illustrate the dreary routine of the friendless Mr. Hatch. All this changes one Valentine's Day when the postman delivers a huge heart-shaped box of candies from a secret admirer. Mr. Hatch, feeling the thrill of being loved, begins to laugh, smile, and share with the people in his life. His life is filled with people he cares about and they care about him in return. The book's illustrations lighten and brighten with the story line until the colors grey with the postman's announcement that the Valentine's box was misdelivered. Mr. Hatch is plunged into the sadness of former times until his neighbors discover the reason for his depression and throw his a party complete with candy, hearts, balloons, music and a huge hand-lettered sign reading, "Everybody Loves Mr. Hatch." This is one of those magical children's books that works at both parent and child level. Children reading this book can see that giving love, brings love in return, but parents may see a less obvious theme. The most important way to prepare our children for intimacy goes beyond reading a book. The best way to prepare them for a lifetime of loving is to let them know they are loved and loveable. Ages 5-9. (Bradbury, $13.95)